Last night, I made a new years
resolution with myself,
and I made my head
and heart promise to never
think twice about breaking it,
or reading in-between
the lines of rules
that I set in stone.
This year, or what I told myself
when I was tipsy off of tequila,
I would rid myself of everyone
who could care less
about what I have to say,
and who’s emotions
always seem too synthetic
to actually be sincere.
So today, when I awoke
at 6 a.m. in a room
that smelled of regretful kisses
and misguided intimacy,
I felt my heart remove
all of the toxic waste
that my head considered
to be genuine understanding.
And now that it’s January 1st,
all that I can think about
is how I was ever able to
put-up with those who always
put themselves ahead of me.
And all I want to do is discipline
myself for ever thinking that they
would change just because time did.
dont you dare tell me its cowardly to run away if i need to change my face my hair my clothes to escape if i need to erase all numbers from my phone surround myself with new friends surround myself with plants delete every image of you i’ve taken i’ll do it without so much as flinching i’ll do it and forget both our names don’t you dare
It wasn’t just that I was leaving.
(For the 2:40 bus. For reasons thick in the air.
For reasons that lived beneath the house.
Forever this time)
It wasn’t just that he said it,
(It was the way he said it.
Standing in the doorway, his mouth a thin
clothesline, eyes like two bloodless sunsets
It wasn’t that I didn’t say it back
(Couldn’t soothe him one last time.
Wasn’t that girl anymore. Had a bus to catch. Away, away.)
It wasn’t that I didn’t,
(Though I had stopped breathing his name.
Stopped worshipping his mouth. Didn’t know yet I still had years
before I stopped dreaming in his voice)
It was the way he knew
I would not say it
(Knew I hated him
for his weakness. Knew his heart
disgusted me. Knew I had caught a butterfly
only to rub it with my hands. Remove the resin.
Leave it winged and without flight)
1. Date a boy who makes you happy, but marry him only if he makes you laugh deep-belly rumbles that hurt your ribs as they expand outwards. Date him when he sees that you’re hurting and he gives you a moment to feel that pain like a handprint spreading across your consciousness, marry him only if he can make you smile even while you’re gross sobbing. The world is not a kind place. You will feel a lot of pain. Make sure you are with someone who makes it all bearable. Humor is an excellent gauge of intelligence. Life gets boring. Find someone who makes the banal interesting.
2. Make sure he has scars on the back of his hands, it’s a good sign he has experience either fighting or making things - creation is an act of selflessness and bruised knuckles are a good sign he knows how to defend himself. You’ve got too much soul to be handled by someone who has never been passionate. If he’s never thrown a punch, let him at least have tasted the insanity of bringing an idea into existence. Rough palms are better than soft ones, they have been salted by this earth and made into leather. Callouses are evidence he has lived, that he has broken skin and been in pain over and over and over again and still came back to the source of it. People rub against each other. Don’t marry him if he can’t handle even a little blister.
3. Before you say yes, get him angry. See him scared, see him wanting,see him sick. Stress changes a person. Find out if he drinks and if he does, get him drunk - you’ll learn more about his sober thoughts. Discover his addictions. See if he puts you in front of them. You can’t change people, baby girl. If they are made one way, it doesn’t just wear off. If you hate how he acts when he’s out of it now, you’re going to hate it much worse eight years down the road. You might love him to bits but it doesn’t change that some people just don’t fit.
4. Trust your instincts. If he ever makes you feel unsafe, don’t make excuses, just get up and leave. That’s all there is to it. It’s better to be safe than sorry.
5. If he puts money before you, he’ll keep pushing you to the bottom of the pile until you become his last priority. It’s one thing if he can’t afford what you want, it’s another if he has the cash but won’t spring for a box of chicken mcnuggets. Money and love are arch enemies. 62% of divorces occur due to economic strain. Make sure keeping you is more important than his 401k.
6. How a man treats animals is a good indicator of how he treats children. If you see him raise a hand to a dog, pack your things into a little black bag. Animals at their worst are only half as annoying as a toddler on their best behaviour. Your kids will be beautiful, but they will also misbehave. Same goes for waiters and hotel maids - if he’s rude to those who are working for minimum wage, it says a lot about how he sees himself. Patience is rare and so important. If he’s not forgiving to a dog, he’s not good for your kids.
7. If he isn’t in awe of you, he doesn’t deserve you. You are my little girl and you were born perfect. If he can’t see that, it’s his loss. There is someone who thinks your flaws power his heart. Be strong. If he asks you to change, be like like rock of your birthstone, do not waver. You are wondrous just the way that you are.
And kid, you’ve got to love yourself. You’ve got wake up at four in the morning, brew black coffee, and stare at the birds drowning in the darkness of the dawn. You’ve got to sit next to the man at the train station who’s reading your favorite book and start a conversation. You’ve got to come home after a bad day and burn your skin from a shower. Then you’ve got to wash all your sheets until they smell of lemon detergent you bought for four dollars at the local grocery store. You’ve got to stop taking everything so goddam personally. You are not the moon kissing the black sky. You’ve got to compliment someones crooked brows at an art fair and tell them that their eyes remind you of green swimming pools in mid July. You’ve got to stop letting yourself get upset about things that won’t matter in two years. Sleep in on Saturday mornings and wake yourself up early on Sunday. You’ve got to stop worrying about what you’re going to tell her when she finds out. You’ve got to stop over thinking why he stopped caring about you over six months ago. You’ve got to stop asking everyone for their opinions. Fuck it. Love yourself, kiddo. You’ve got to love yourself.
when you called me beautiful
i thought i was swallowing nails,
and it was only after we made love
in some cheap motel that you whispered
“i still think about her”,
i smoked a cigarette wearing
lace underwear in that parking lot, and
i think i saw God spray painting
an Emily Dickinson poem across a bridge,
my heart was stained white from
your lies, and i wish you knew how
much i wanted to leak into
your bruises, i wore your name
like lipstick on my mouth,
you thought i left because i didn’t love you
but i could have painted electric
poetry out of the way you said my
You know that place between sleeping and awake, that place where you can still remember dreaming? That’s where I’ll always think of you.
—J.M. Barrie (via observando)